A: Courtship
is not mentioned by name in the Bible. However, to hear many
people speak of it, not only is it specifically defined in scripture,
it
is also commanded as the only proper way to come into marriage. As I
see
it, some are guilty of giving biblical authority to the opinions of men.
This is not much help. My dictionary defines courtship as the act,
process, or period of courting, or wooing. One of the definitions of
courting is to seek as a mate. This does not help much either.
Most advocates of a strict courting ritual will pull scriptures as
support for their formula. Some of their principles are very biblical
but
some are not. The problem I have is in giving scriptural level authority
to manmade procedures. Much of the courtship formulae I have seen are
akin to fads. People are overcome with the power to arrange the lives
of
others and go too far.
The Bible does not command any particular ritual of courtship. In the
case of Isaac and Rebekah, their marriage was arranged for them before
they even saw each other. In the case of Jacob and Rachel, Jacob chose
to
marry because of love--though he still had to work things out with
Rachel's father. Biblical marriages almost always had a dowry. The
betrothal involved the making of a covenant. There is much more--too
much
to go into here. The point is, marriages in the Bible followed a
particular pattern because of the customs of the times. But nowhere in
scripture does God make any commandment that His people follow these
customs. In Bible times, even the lost people followed these customs.
They were not some form of divine plan.
We can learn from the biblical practices and perhaps put some of them
into play in our own lives, but that is not the same thing as making
them
a required set of rules. I have recently seen some pretty nasty
situations where families have tried so hard to control the courtship
of
their children that they have created greater problems. Often, they have
tended to alienate their children instead of bringing them closer. But
now that I have given the down side of courtship, let me look at it
differently.
I am not in any way advocating a return to the dating game as practiced
by the world. As I see dating, it is a pairing off of couples for outings
for the purpose of having fun and checking each other out. This plan
goes
against Bible principles. It has led to many sorrows. Young people have
lost their innocence to people they hardly knew. The practice has led
to
unwed mothers, abortions, and various evils. It is ungodly to put such
a
temptation on young people by allowing them unsupervised time with
individuals of the opposite sex. We told our children before we were
ever
asked that dating would not be allowed. They could enjoy being around
others of their own age in groups--at church, supervised activities,
etc.
This was the best way to get to know other people.
Also, I certainly believe in a form of courtship. After all, in its basic
definition it refers to the finding of a mate for marriage. As such,
I
set up certain guidelines for the process. The distinction I want to
make
is this--these are guidelines created by a father seeking the best for
his children. And, although I believe they mesh with Bible principles,
they are not a set of absolute rules with divine authority. In the right
circumstances, I would even bend them to fit the occasion. Here they
are:
1. Dating in the sense of two people pairing off for unsupervised fun
and without marriage in the picture is not allowed. This type of fun
can
be done in groups.
2. Any sort of pairing activities are allowed only when the young person
is of the age, maturity, and disposition for marriage. Also, it can be
done only with those for which marriage is considered a possibility.
3. Courtship must be done in a way that is supervised or accounted for.
This does not mean that they have to be watched at all times. I trust
my
children more than that and think they should be given the trust. Perhaps
they want to walk around the block or run an errand together. Activities
like this would be acceptable. The purpose of this rule is to keep them
from having long periods of time out of the site of others without any
accountability for their time. Time like this tends to create many
temptations. I do this to help my children; not to coerce them. This
rule
can be adjusted for age, maturity, etc. Some situations would require
much more supervision than others.
4. Family should be very involved. Courtship should often include family
and should bring the prospective mate into close contact with future
in-laws. This helps that person begin to get used to them. Also, if there
are any serious problems, Mom and Dad might be able to deal with it.
That
is, if I see a serious problem I would sit my son or daughter down and
seriously discuss it with them. Then, I would reassure them that I would
love them no matter what. My wife and I have worked hard to maintain
this
kind of relationship with our children and hope to keep it. I cannot
help
them if I am not a part of their lives.
5. One Bible practice concerning courtship that seems to go beyond the
realm of example is the practice of giving away the daughter. Paul
certainly affirms the practice in 1Corinthians
7:36-37. I take this as a
giving of permission to get married for the daughter. This practice was
taken seriously even in America until recent years. I plan to give or
withhold permission concerning my daughter. However, as in other
situations, I will love her and her family no matter what she does.
As I said before, these are the guidelines we have set in our family.
They do not have the same level of authority as scriptural command. I
might even alter them if I saw good reason to do so. But they give us
a
starting point. Arranged marriages have a long and prosperous history
(still being practiced in certain lands). However, they are not commanded
in scripture and many who attempt to go back to such practices are
creating as many problems as they are solving. We just need to be careful
how we play with the lives of our children. Moms and Dads can make
big
mistakes too. We need to join with our children in prayer and loving
guidance in order to help them find the mate God has for them (if,
indeed, He wishes them to marry--but that is another story).
Till He comes,
Pastor David Reagan