When we think of Absalom, David’s son, we often think of him as a man consumed with pride. While pride was certainly at the root of his behaviour, as it is for most of us, it would be wise to consider that Absalom might have been addicted to something else plaguing many men, women, boys, and girls in society today—attention-seeking. As is the custom of the day, a fancy title has been assigned to this behaviour by those who study mental health—Histrionic Personality Disorder.
People with this “disorder” often begin showing this behaviour in early adulthood and do so as a result of circumstances present in childhood. While David was good at a number of things such as being a king, warrior, or servant to another king, there is no debating that he was a bad father. Absalom was born through a polygamous marriage (2 Samuel 3:2-5) by a father who knew he was not to multiply wives (Deuteronomy 17:14-17) unto himself and yet could not conquer his flesh. Absalom was born to the same woman as Adonijah of whom it was said, “his father had not displeased him at any time in saying, Why hast thou done so?” (1 Kings 1:6). Absalom was likely reared under similar conditions.
The truth is we know very little about Absalom until we learn of the defilement of his sister Tamar by her half brother Amnon (2 Samuel 13:1-20). A battered and distraught Tamar ran to her brother Absalom when she was violated by Amnon and she remained desolate in Absalom’s house. While the scripture acknowledges that David was wroth over Amnon’s conduct, it seems David did little to nothing to punish Amnon or comfort Tamar (2 Samuel 13:21). Believing justice had not been served, something changed in Absalom and the monster with which we are familiar was born. He planned and patiently waited for two full years before exacting vengeance upon Amnon (2 Kings 13:22-39). After killing Amnon, Absalom fled for the homeland of his ancestors where he abode for three years.
At the end of this time, Joab subtly pulled on David’s heartstrings to have Absalom recalled to Jerusalem (2 Samuel 14:1-23). The young man that returned seemed irreparably broken and hungry for attention. When he arrived, he was shunned by his father (2 Samuel 14:24, 28), but quickly won the praise of the common people (2 Samuel 14:25-26). To remember the time his sister was defiled, Absalom named his daughter Tamar (2 Samuel 14:27). In spite of the attention from the common people and the obvious bitterness from what happened with his sister, Absalom was not satisfied and needed to see his father. In order to gain an appointment with David, Absalom sent for Joab. When Joab was unwilling to come, Absalom resorted to the dramatic and drastic and set Joab’s fields on fire (2 Samuel 14:29-33).
Everything about Absalom showed his addiction to seeking and gaining attention. Whether it was his hair, or the chariots, horses, and men to run before him (2 Samuel 15:1), or intercepting people at the gate who sought judgment from David (2 Samuel 15:2-6), Absalom needed the approval and acceptance of others. Obviously the acceptance of some would yield the disapproval of others, but Absalom was willing to gain his following a little at time. If the attention seemed to lessen or go for a space of time without increasing, Absalom took another step to reenter the minds and hearts of the people.
In spite of all of this, Absalom was dissatisfied. To stay relevant, he pretended to be spiritual with his father and requested leave to go fulfill a vow he had made to the Lord (2 Samuel 15:7-9), but in doing so, he acquired vain and simple followers to follow him out of town to present the case that he was powerful, liked, and equipped to take the kingdom from his father (2 Samuel 15:10-12).
Instead of staying to fight for Jerusalem, David fled. It is highly likely that David could have withstood and overcome his son, but love for his son and concern for his own responsibility for Absalom’s brokenness moved David to go. Sadly, the bitterness in Absalom’s heart created two great problems: (1) a great need for attention any way he could get it, and (2) a great desire to destroy David. Neither of these things was good for David, the people of Israel, or even for Absalom. In fact, it would ultimately lead to Absalom’s demise.
Unfortunately, for Absalom, David’s departure was not enough and he needed more attention and revenge. Even the advice received and obeyed, advice that led to his death, was such that fed his need for power over David.
One last and telling piece of information we gain about Absalom is that, while alive, he “had taken and reared up for himself a pillar, which is in the king’s dale: for he said, I have no son to keep my name in remembrance: and he called the pillar after his own name…Absalom’s place” (2 Samuel 18:18). Apparently, Absalom desired to be seen as a defender of the common people (2 Samuel 15:2-6) and had a great need to be memorialized. He needed to be a voice for the voiceless. He needed to be liked by some even if it meant he was hated by others, and he was willing to go to the extremes to accomplish his desire.
Unfortunately, for us, this is not a problem relegated to the past. If anything, the problem is more rampant due to the constant flow of communication through the availability of social media. The need for attention, a following, and memorialization causes believers and unbelievers alike to take to the internet in hopes of stirring up strife, contending for a cause, attacking opposing forces or opinions, or defending amiable people or thoughts. It at first appears laudable, but it soon becomes apparent that the one seeking the attention is weak, needy, and flawed. The masses will look on and encourage for a space of time, but their following will shrink as those with wisdom begin to see that the best thing for the attention-needing soul is to withhold it.
In Absalom’s case, Joab, David, and all Israel would have been better off to leave him in Hebron and ignore his existence. It likely would have served Absalom well and it certainly would have alleviated some of the troubles that accompanied him when he arrived in Jerusalem. In the case of those seeking attention from you, the best thing you can do is ignore them, let them be, and do not encourage their obvious bitterness or addiction to attention. You might even encourage them to seek help in understanding why they are so desperate for attention. As much as we all love to be bystanders when a great fight breaks out, the best thing we can do is walk away, unfriend, unfollow, and ignore. This will not only help you, but it will also be the most beneficial gift you could give the attention addict to grow up and move on with life.
Those ignored will temporarily become more dramatic. They may go to extremes and exaggerate the circumstances of life in order to draw you back in. They will continue to do what they do until it becomes obvious that you and others disapprove of their childish temper tantrums. Eventually, when they determine that their rants and inappropriate behaviour are no longer winning over the masses, they will have to find something else with which to occupy their time, another cause to champion. All we can hope is that the next time, it will be more honourable.
